Expressing Love and Care- Vicente Hao Chin. Jr.

We often speak of love, and yet we rarely see its manifestation in daily life. Lovers, husbands and wives, parents and children—they often say they love each other, and yet much of their behavior does not seem to reflect this affirmation.

What is love? How is it distinguished from attraction, infatuation, desire or dependence? Is romantic love genuine love? Is jealousy a sign of love? Is physically punishing a child, a sign of love?

Modern culture has popularized certain meanings of the word love. These can often be gleaned from modern songs:

"I love you—because I need you."

"I am lost in love; I can’t live without you."

"Be mine tonight."

"What you did and where you’re coming from, I don’t care, as long as you love me, baby."

It’s obvious that what we call romantic love is often characterized by the need or desire of the one who "loves." If I say, "I love you because I need you," what happens when I no longer need you? Do I cease to love you? If I say, "I love you because you’re beautiful," what happens if you are no longer beautiful?

This kind of love is dependent on conditions. I give you love if you give me something else. If you don’t, then I don’t love you. This obviously isn’t love. It’s a business transaction.

The Nature of Genuine Love

What characterizes a loving or caring attitude or relationship? During the Self-transformation Seminars, when we ask participants to list what they think are the qualities of genuine love, they usually include qualities such as the following:

It will immediately be noted that all these words have one thing in common: Considerateness towards the other person, rather than preoccupation with our own needs. Hence, we may say that the essence of love is a concern for the welfare of the other.

Geoffrey Hodson, the eminent theosophical author, once spoke of one important key to happiness in marriage, and said that couples who practice this key will be guaranteed happiness in their married life. The key is, Always think of the welfare of your partner, and never of yourself. If we observe couples that we know, we will find this to be profoundly true. The happiest couples are those who are not generally preoccupied with trying to satisfy their self-centered needs, whether physical or psychological. In other words, their lives are relatively free from the imprisonment of psychological push buttons created in the past. Instead, they feel and exhibit a natural concern for the loved one.

Relating it now to our understanding of the dual nature of human beings, we find that love is essentially an expression of our higher nature or higher triangle, rather than the lower. The lower triangle, being a creature of needs and desires, is basically concerned about the satisfaction of these needs. It’s oriented toward getting, rather than giving. Any act of giving from this level ("I love you . . .") is rooted in some kind of satisfaction that it derives from the other person (". . . because you make me happy.")

Expressions of Love and Caring

Human beings respond positively and wholesomely to the love of other people. But such love must be behaviorally expressed. It cannot just remain as an intention or a wish. Many parents feel surprised and hurt when they hear that their children have said their parents do not love them. They feel hurt because they have been working so hard for their family, only to hear that their children feel unloved. These parents have failed to distinguish between intention and behavior. People are not clairvoyants or seers who can discern the innermost feelings of other people. They can only feel what is expressed or manifested in behavior, such as a kind word, a smile, a touch, a hug, a praise, a phone call or a gift.

Behaviorally, love and caring are manifested through very simple acts that arise from the spontaneous appreciation and concern of others. A few such acts in relation to people are identified below:

Listening. Listening is the most basic act of caring. Not listening is the surest sign of self-absorption, that is, egocentricity.

Genuine listening, means that we are ready to understand another person unconditionally. I don’t mean by this that we should always agree with what is said. To understand doesn’t mean to agree. They are very different things. In the process of understanding, there is no resistance from within. It is the conditioned reactions for or against what is heard that can obstruct true understanding of another person.

Behaviorally, this can manifest in simple situations such as the following:

• When a child approaches you to speak to you about something, you pause whatever you are doing and face the child, preferably on their level (meaning you lower yourself so your face is at the same level as the child’s face). Give them your complete attention, understanding the meaning of their words and feelings and afterwards responding appropriately, whether it is simple acknowledgment, appreciation, decision or turning down a request (see below on firmness).

• When you talk to your spouse, look at them. Except perhaps for inconsequential or trifling exchanges of information like "Where’s the newspaper?" every conversation is an opportunity for the expression of your appreciation or caring of your spouse. This is particularly true when your spouse is expressing some problems or difficulties or concerns. To listen genuinely to someone is one of the deepest affirmations of their importance.

• When we talk to an elderly person, do we pretend to listen just to humor or console them? Or can we genuinely listen?

When we extend this capacity to truly listen to anyone we meet, we begin to have a taste of what unconditional love really is.

Quality Time

In expressing our care for the people around us, it’s helpful to understand what the phrase quality time means. Quality time doesn’t mean just spending an hour or a day with a person, as if it were an investment in time to show the person that we care for them.

Quality time means that we’re enjoying the time with the person. It means we appreciate the person.

• When we go to the beach with our family, do we lie on the beach all day reading a novel? If we do, then it means that our relaxation is more important than our companions. We went to the beach for our rest, rather than to enjoy things with them.

But, you may say, what if I really need a rest? Isn’t that what a vacation is for?

Then it means that you lack the time for them. Even the time that you’re supposed to enjoy with them, you need for yourself. There is possibly a lack of balance in your life. It means stress has accumulated. Your leisure or free time is used for the purpose of unwinding. When will you have time for the people you "love"? Why at times are your dearest ones given the lowest priority?

• In tiny bits of time at home, do we converse with our family or do something with them that we all enjoy doing? The positiveness or enjoyment of the activity together is the essence of quality time.

Sensitivity to the Needs and Feelings of Others

When we’re habitually engrossed in our own needs and desires, we’re usually blind to the needs and feelings of others. When we’ve processed our own needs and push buttons lodged in our lower triangle, we’ll find that it won’t be difficult to be sensitive to the needs of others.

Selflessness

To be genuinely concerned about the welfare of another means that we must not be absorbed with ourselves. Such absorption includes feelings of impatience, anger and defensiveness or being occupied with thoughts about our work, worries, etc.

To attain this quality of non-egocentricity, we must have processed the internal unresolved baggage and attained a higher degree of effectiveness and integration in the affairs of our life.

Firmness or Assertiveness in Love

People often ask, "If we’re too selfless, shall we not be easily abused by others?" One school principal said, "Certainly if somebody slaps me on the right cheek, I won’t give him my left cheek. I’ll slap him back!"

A common misconception is that the loving person is a weakling or a pushover, a doormat for people to step on. This is due to the fact that people understand love as a personality relationship, that is, belong to the lower triangle or the lower self.

This is due to the fact that people understand love as a personality relationship, that is, belong to the lower triangle or the lower self.

Consider Mahatma Gandhi—few are as loving and as selfless as he was. Was he a pushover? Not even the entire British Empire could budge him if he didn’t want to love.

Love has no fear. It doesn’t try to please in order to gain the affection of the loved one. It has the wisdom that romantic feelings are often blind to. It can see the faults and weaknesses of the beloved and can say no to the beloved if what is asked for is not to their benefit. Here are two examples of assertiveness in love:

1. A mother who truly loves her child will not pamper the child or give in to every whim and caprice of the child. Love has firmness as much as it has clarity and kindness. A mother who can’t say no to her child is a mother who has fear—she is afraid to lose the affection of her child. Thus, it’s a need, rather than love.

2. A wife who loves her husband will choose not to cooperate in a matter that will, in the long run, contribute to the husband’s unhappiness or will engender conflict between the two of them. But such a decision must emerge from the clarity of the wisdom of love and not from the fears, prejudice or narrowness of the wife herself. Thus, love is wisely assertive.

Love and Attachment

A special aspect of love that is frequently questioned is attachment. When we’re fond of a person, there is often a feeling of attachment toward the person. We miss the person when they’re away. We grieve when we lose them. In other words, we have grown attached to the person.

Is attachment a necessary part of love? Or is it possible to love without attachment?

Let’s look into it. When I’m attached to something, what’s happening? I feel comfortable when the object of love is present and feel deprived when they’re away. I feel a need for the presence of the other, and hence attachment is really an expression of our need. It’s still the call of the self-centered lower self and is distinct from love. In fact, it may be said that to the extent that there is this self-centered attachment, to that extent is the love tainted with egoistic aspirations.

But to be non-attached doesn’t mean that there is no genuine appreciation of the loved one.

Appreciation. Appreciation is different from attachment. We can look at the sunset with wonder and awe without attachment. When the sun sets and darkness engulfs the sky, we don’t yearn for the return of that scenery. Can we look at a painting or a movie in a similar way? How about a relationship?

Can we fully appreciate the presence of a person while they’re around and not feel miserable when they’re absent?

Incomplete Relationship.

Here we face the issue about the incompleteness of our relationship with other persons. When our interaction and experience of a person is incomplete, then there will be a desire to be with the person again, a yearning for the person. We tend to miss them. This is the manifestation of attachment.

When, on the other hand, our experiencing of a relationship is complete, there is no yearning for the person’s presence when they’re not around. There is no feeling of misery because of the absence of the other.

A person means something to us at any moment. This is really the essence of our appreciation of the person. When they’re in front of us, this appreciation manifests as an inclination to express something to the person or do something for them or do something together with them. This inclination is due to a psycho-physical energy that spontaneously arises due to our appreciation of the person. The full experiencing of this feeling, this inclination or this attitude, and the appropriate handling of it, give completeness to the interaction. After the interaction, there is no remnant yearning or desire for repetition of the experience or the presence afterwards.

Suppose I visit my mother who lives in another place. If I care for her, there would be certain things that I feel inclined to say or do while I’m with her. They can be small things like helping her clean or cook, or just having an hour of conversation with her. If throughout the hour I am able to fully experience my appreciation of her both within myself (such as feeling warmth toward her) and in terms of my behavior (helping her in her household chores), then the interaction is complete for that particular instance. I won’t leave her house feeling sad or guilty or unhappy.

But if during the one hour with her I’m not aware of my deeper feelings for her (that is, the feelings are there but I’m just not consciously aware of them), then my actions and my conversations may not reflect this deeper attitude. In fact, I may behave in a contrary nature, such as reprimanding or criticizing her for not taking medicine regularly or for not returning calls (which is how many people express their "concern"). At the end of the hour, I will leave my mother’s house with a subconscious feeling of unfulfillment, even a feeling of righteous anger because "she doesn’t listen to advice," "she’s very hard-headed," etc., etc. When my interactions with her are repeatedly of this nature, then I’ll be afraid to lose her—a feeling of unpreparedness for the final parting. There is an accumulated feeling within—a psycho-physical energy that’s not able to flow freely or completely—that causes this feeling of fear of losing. This is the cause of attachment.

Self-awareness enables us to be in touch with this attitude or feeling of appreciation and to act appropriately in accordance with its spontaneous inclinations. It is the factor that enables us to complete an interaction with a person from each moment to the next, from one meeting to the next, leaving no remnants within us that later result in attachment.

Unconditional Love

Can love really be unconditional—given without any expectation for oneself? If so, is that possible in practical life? Are we still human beings when we love without any expectation from the other?

There are two kinds of expectations between people.

• Relationship expectations, or those expectations arising from an agreed or assumed relationship;

• Egocentric expectations, or those arising from the personal needs and desires of a person.

If I apply for a job and am accepted, I establish a relationship with the company, my superior and my co-employees. This multifaceted relationship creates interpersonal expectations. I’m expected to report at a certain time and do certain tasks that I have accepted. These are relationship expectations.

If I get married to a person. I’m in effect pledging to certain explicit or implicit duties as a husband and a father. In a monogamous society, I am expected not to have a second wife or have a similar relationship with others while I’m a married person. By entering into marriage, I’m agreeing to such promises, thus creating relationship expectations. In other words, there are duties that have been set and accepted. Such expectations are proper, and do not arise from the self-centered needs of the individual.

Egocentric expectations are different. They’re rooted in the psychological needs or desires of the person and may or may not have anything to do with the relationship expectations. When I expect my wife to remember my birthday, or that she should be responsive when I’m in the mood for romance, then it’s my egocentric expectations that are operating. There’s nothing in the marriage arrangement that the husband or wife should always be in the same mood as the spouse or that they should never forget the other’s birthday.

Relationship expectations may differ from culture to culture—whether family culture, ethnic culture or national culture. Egocentric expectations depend upon the upbringing and conditioning of the individual. Relationship expectations are more impersonal, that is, they can be taken as "duties," whereas egocentric expectations are personal.

Unconditional love can have relationship expectations but not egocentric expectations. Relationship expectations are due to perceived duties of the other party arising out of the relationship agreed upon. But because there are no egocentric expectations, we don’t feel personally hurt or slighted for the omissions of the spouse or of other people. Thus, anger doesn’t arise, even if some problems are perceived.

The keys to unconditional love are two: (1) The awakening of our higher spiritual consciousness, which is compassionate and caring, and (2) the disappearance of push buttons, or conditioned reaction patterns that engender hurts and frustrations.

When we deeply explore the nature of appreciation, compassion, caring and loving, we begin to discover that what is called love is a kind of radiation from our inner being. It’s like the sun that shines indiscriminately on all, or like the blossom that gives out its perfume to all, not even minding whether or not there are passersby. Love is essentially non-selective, but when filtered through our personality, we feel preferences and favoritisms.

Love is essentially transcendent and not personal. It is the natural emanation of that spiritual nature within us that feels our non-separateness with others. We feel for others; we feel with others. Their interests are spontaneously felt as our interests.

© "Theosophical Digest" (4th Quarter 2002) published by Theosophical Publishing House, 1 Iba Street, Quezon city, Philippines. Reprinted with permission.

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